well, not really, but at least jobless again. I was laid off from my job yesterday. Actually not a terrible blow or a surprise, because I was working very hard to scrounge for work there (my position was new, so it was pretty obvious after not too long that it wasn’t really necessary). OK, I wasn’t really working HARD. The whole fiasco was a serious struggle with guilt over my bipolar and depressive tendencies helping me to work less effectively, combined with not really having enough work to do. I actually feel like it was a great blessing, having a job that paid me that well to mostly just stay at home and do very little. My benefits are all from my husband (except for the adoption bennies, darn it all), so that won’t be a problem. We can actually stand losing the income, though it would still have been nice to get out of debt faster.
The big problem I am having now is finding a sense of purpose. I am 34 years old and I can find no reason for my existence. For someone who needs to be needed, this is a painful state in which to be. The big question right now in my head is ‘why’ — not ‘why did this happen?’ but ‘why do anything?’ Everything feels rather pointless. I really don’t want to go back to computer work. I really don’t. But I have no idea what I want to do, which leaves me not wanting anything. Argh. If anyone has inspiration, gumption, and care, please pack them up and send them to me. I seem to have lost all mine.